My fiance has asked me to watch porn with him, and I’m curious, but uncomfortable. I haven’t watched porn before. What should I do?
By: Elle Stanger – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
Firstly, congratulate yourself for being curious!
Your fiance is asking you to try something that he enjoys, probably so that you can enjoy it together. It’s a good sign when a partner wants to share what excites them.
What are your concerns?
Do you feel that you’ll see something that will gross you out?
Do you feel like your body won’t look like a porn star’s?
Do you not know what you are looking for?
If any fears or concerns come to mind, I hope you can talk to your fiance about them. Pay attention to how he addresses your concerns; if he’s supportive and understanding, you’re off to a great start.
I’ve been watching porn for over fifteen years, and I sold it for four, and I’ve made my own for the last few months. Here are a few tips for a newbie:
Try watching some of it alone first, if you are comfortable. This can take the pressure off a first-timer.
Check out “Four Chambers”, which is woman made and artfully designed. (the link goes to an article, you can click it if you’re reading this in public!)
I also recommend CrashPadSeries, especially if you want to see queer, tattooed, chubby or nonbinary people and bodies. These won’t be free, but you get to support the individuals who made the content, and see erotica outside of the mainstream box.
Pun intended.
Don’t want to commit yet? That’s fine, check out Chaturbate if you think you might like watching other couples or performers on webcam. This can be a fun way to lightly interact with your provider, and it can be fun to tip them together.
BUT please remember that what you are watching was created as entertainment, and it’s not meant to be instructional unless indicated.
Porn can be a reliable method of discovering to get new ideas for your IRL sex, BUT keep in mind that all of the content you find was probably created with the intention to be performative; porn is not an indication of what your IRL sex should look like.
I used to think that the common way to end a blowjob was to let my boyfriend ejaculate on my face, simply because most of the porn I saw in high school was filmed with that conclusion. Imagine my surprise when I learned that I was wrong! I could have saved myself an eye infection. [Sidenote: don’t get semen in your eyes]
Historically, the majority of erotic content was created and produced by men, and was often focused on cis-male pleasure, sometimes at the expense of the female counterpart. As sex education and feminism has made steps into all arenas of entertainment, you’ll see slightly more content that indicates healthy approaches to sexual contact, that focuses on mutual pleasure of all partners.
Check out Adriana Chechik, Stoya, Abella Danger, and Johnny + Kissa Sins; all of these porn performers have good vibes.
Pornhub.com is a go-to of mine, but I’m used to navigating it. I acknowledge that any major hub for sexual content can be overwhelming and the front page is rife with themes and visuals that can be downright triggering to people if they have trauma around things like rough sex or aren’t used to seeing copious amounts of nudity. Some of the things on the internet will seem strange, and that just means that they aren’t for you.
You might find things that gross you out; it is 100% okay to not be into everything (or anything!) that you see, and that’s when you change the video or skip around in the clip.
Some folks feel that watching porn gives them the ability to briefly enter a fantasy world where they can enjoy things without having to actively participate in them. For example: I watched a few minutes of group sex porn before typing this column, and lemme tell you that it was way more convenient to open my browser, click around for a minute and masturbate, than to arrange a group of aroused, showered, and regularly- STI-screened adults who want to f*ck at 9:30 a.m.
I don’t want to actually have the gang bang, I just want to enjoy someone else’s for a few minutes. This is how pornography can be a helpful tool to improve my life.
I totally understand how this new endeavor can be nerve-wracking; as someone is a constant and regular watcher of porn in my solo life for over a decade, I actually don’t like watching it with my partner, I like watching it by myself.
Whatever you prefer is what you get to choose. Have fun and happy surfing!
Elle Stanger is a queer femme sex worker and parent. Listen to her award-nominated UnzippedPDX podcast on iTunes and find her at stripperwriter.com
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