Unhinged Astrology: March 12 – 18
Here’s your Sarcastic but Weirdly Accurate Horoscope for the Week—because the universe is, once again, throwing vibes like an unhinged DJ who refuses to take requests.
Wednesday – Aries Moon Returns: Unfinished Business
Did you think you were done with chaos? Cute. The Aries Moon is back, and it’s here to remind you that your patience is a myth and your temper is a ticking time bomb. You may find yourself aggressively speed-walking, rage-texting, or passionately arguing with an inanimate object. Try to keep the collateral damage to a minimum. Or don’t. The stars love a dramatic subplot.
Thursday – Venus Tries to Make You Feel Things (Gross)
Venus is at it again, stirring up emotions you swore you had locked in a vault. Maybe you’ll find yourself scrolling through old photos at 2 AM. Maybe you’ll feel weirdly sentimental about a commercial. Maybe you’ll cry because your toast burned, and that’s just where you’re at emotionally right now. No judgment. Just… hydrate, and don’t text your ex.
Friday – Mercury & Mars Create a Glorious Mess
Communication? Disaster. Plans? Canceled. Impulse control? Who is she? Mercury and Mars are working together to ensure that you say something regrettable, get caught in a lie you forgot you told, or find yourself in a completely avoidable argument. On the plus side, your sarcasm is going to be extra spicy today. On the downside, so is your temper.
Saturday – “Main Character Syndrome” Strikes Again
The universe has officially given up trying to control you. Today is yours to either thrive or completely embarrass yourself. Whether you’re dramatically sipping coffee in a bookstore, plotting revenge like a Shakespearean villain, or making questionable life choices “for the plot,” just commit to the bit. Bonus points if you wear something ridiculous and make eye contact with strangers like you’re hiding a deep secret.
Sunday – The Universe Asks, “But Have You Considered Anxiety?”
Ah, the weekly existential crisis. The Moon is getting weird, and so are you. Expect deep, unsolicited introspection. You might suddenly remember something embarrassing you did in 2007. Or maybe you’ll question your entire career path. Either way, you’ll probably end up staring at the ceiling, whispering, “what am I even doing with my life?” Just ride it out. Or take a nap. Honestly, naps solve a lot.
Monday – Surprise! It’s a Dumpster Fire.
You know that thing you swore you’d deal with last week? Well, guess what? It’s back. And it brought friends. Today is going to require caffeine, fake enthusiasm, and the ability to not punch someone who says, “Let’s circle back on that.” Just power through, and remember: quitting your job to become a lighthouse keeper is always an option.
Tuesday – The “Nothing Matters” Vibes
The cosmic energy today is basically just an indifferent shrug. Nothing significant will happen unless you make it happen. Want to be productive? Great. Want to spiral into another episode of “I should really get my life together”? Also valid. The universe is just standing in the corner, watching, sipping tea, and saying, “Let’s see what they do.”
Final Advice for the Week:
Drink your water, avoid unnecessary drama (unless it’s funny), and if you’re going to have a meltdown, at least make it aesthetically pleasing. The stars may not have your back, but they’re definitely taking note.
