Unhinged Astrology: March 5 – 11
Your Sarcastic but Weirdly Accurate Horoscope for the Week
Because sometimes the stars want to help, and sometimes they just want to see what happens when they push you into traffic.
Wednesday – Aries Moon, Chaos Rising
Congratulations! You’ve made it to the middle of the week without quitting your job, breaking up with someone, or dramatically walking into the sea. That’s progress. The Aries Moon is going to make you impulsive, fiery, and just slightly unhinged, so maybe don’t start any fights you aren’t willing to finish. Or do. Who am I to stop you? Just know that whatever battle you pick today, you will absolutely commit to it, even if it was over something dumb, like someone breathing too loud.
Thursday – The “Why Am I Like This” Transit
Venus is acting up, which means your emotions are going to be as stable as a house of cards in a windstorm. You might be feeling sensitive. You might be feeling romantic. You might be feeling the overwhelming urge to text your ex just to prove you’ve “matured.” Please don’t. Instead, put your phone down, drink some water, and maybe try being mysterious for once.
Friday – Mercury Strikes Again
It’s Friday, but Mercury has other plans. Expect miscommunications, unexpected schedule changes, and at least one moment where you say something wildly inappropriate without meaning to. If you feel like your life is a sitcom today, you are correct. Just embrace the absurdity, and maybe don’t sign any important documents.
Saturday – The “Main Character Energy” Day
The stars are giving you full permission to romanticize your life today. You are the protagonist. You are the drama. Put on a ridiculous outfit, listen to music that makes you feel like you have an important backstory, and go be slightly insufferable. It’s fine. You’ve earned it.
Sunday – Existential Crisis O’Clock
The Moon is doing something weird, so you’re either going to have an emotional breakthrough or a complete meltdown. There is no in-between. One minute, you’ll feel deeply connected to the universe, and the next, you’ll be staring into the void wondering if your entire life is a poorly written plotline. If anyone asks what’s wrong, just say, “Oh, you know. The usual.”
Monday – The Reckoning
Welcome to Monday: The Sequel No One Asked For. That thing you ignored last week? Yeah, it’s back. And it wants answers. The good news? You’re in a slightly better mood than you were last time. The bad news? That doesn’t mean you want to deal with it. Rip the bandaid off. Face the emails. Just try not to make any sarcastic comments in a meeting unless you’re ready to deal with the consequences.
Tuesday – Cosmic Reset or Cosmic Joke?
Ah, Tuesday. The most meh day of the week. The stars have no strong opinions on what happens today, which means you’re fully responsible for your own choices. Terrifying, right? Will you be productive? Will you spiral into existential dread? Will you eat an entire meal standing over your sink like a raccoon? The universe doesn’t care. This one’s on you.
Final Advice for the Week:
Try not to start any unnecessary fights, but if you do, at least make it entertaining. Keep your ego in check, drink water, and maybe just let people be wrong on the internet. Or don’t. Again, I’m not here to judge. The stars, however? They absolutely are.
