You don’t have to wait to get your victim card punched to leave

She’s exhausted. She’s been sick. The headaches have been relentless and she’s sick to her stomach more than she isn’t. She has tried everything. She’s been to two retreats, lost forty pounds by working out 6 days a week and cutting out sugar. She has seen three therapists, bought seven online programs to help her find herself, and joined two groups to help her find her purpose.

She’s wanted out for a long time but he’s basically a good husband. He’s got a solid job. He’s a good provider. For the most part, he’s a decent father. They don’t really fight anymore. In fact, to be honest, they don’t actually talk all that much about anything. Almost everyone on the outside thinks they have the perfect marriage. Everyone likes him. Most days she sort of likes ok him too. But she’s not happy.

So, when I ask her what she wants to do she doesn’t have an answer because she wants to leave but she doesn’t think she should or can. She doesn’t think it’s rational. She thinks she should be grateful for what she’s got.

He hasn’t cheated. He gets angry more often than seems reasonable but never gets violent. He goes to work, comes home, watches sports and mows the lawn on Saturdays. The fact that he’s indifferent to her presence, drinking a little or a lot too much in private, demanding or totally checked out in the bedroom, and developing a pretty consistent porn hobby/addiction seem minor compared to what getting divorced might mean.

She’s in limbo, waiting for her hall pass, an excuse good enough to justify leaving, but it’s not coming. This is her purgatory and she wants to fix it. She wants to fix him. She’d do anything to fix herself because she can’t remember the last time she was happy for more than a few hours.

Then she says it, “I secretly wish he’d have an affair.” and I know that feeling because I’ve been there. Except it’s a slippery slope because if your happiness isn’t enough to fight for, to leave for, you’ll find an excuse to stay even when he does cheat, and yes, even if he does hit you. I know that too because I’ve done it and I’ve watched lots of other women do the same.

You wait until it gets bad enough to get your victim card punched.
You wait too long.
You wait until we forget what it feels like to be whole.
You wait until you’re too exhausted to pack a bag let alone hire an attorney.
You wait long enough to turn even the best person into a villain and you do it because being happy isn’t a powerful enough reason to choose something different.

It doesn’t have to be a marriage. It can be a job we stay at too long, maybe long enough to get fired.

It can be a friendship we’ve outgrown where we show up as outdated versions of ourselves so we don’t create waves.

It doesn’t matter what it is when you’re waiting for an excuse to move on so you can sneak out the backdoor you are making someone else responsible for not delivering your happiness that is never going to happen when you’re stuck and stale.

I’m not happy here.
That is reason enough to go – and by the way, it’s the most loving and generous reason you can have to end something. If you decide to go simply because it’s not working for you anymore you don’t have to make anyone else wrong or bad to end it. You can leave someone you once loved, whole and let them be who they are, just not someone you choose anymore.

It’s not giving up. It’s being honest.

If you’re done and you’re waiting for someone to give you permission to leave, give it to yourself. You can choose your happiness over anything else and when you do you can be free.