Dear Almost Good Enough Lover
By: Lisa M. Hayes – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
Dear Almost Good Enough Lover,
It’s not that I can’t make it on my own or pay my own way. I can. But frankly, I’d rather split the mortgage payment and have more money left over to buy shoes. I don’t want to binge watch Empire alone. Sometimes I get so lonely in my house at night I think I’m actually scared when I’m not.
Bottom line is, I don’t want to be alone and you’re alright. I’m not compromising that much. I like you a lot. You’re pretty great. You’re good enough. In fact, I love you a little. So, I’m going to open my heart wide and give you everything. I’m going pretend this is it. Eventually, I will become someone else or disappear entirely. It sounds sad or even a little desperate, but it’s ok. My fear of being alone has overridden my desire to have more.
At the beginning of our relationship, I will tell myself and everyone else how perfect you are. However, I probably won’t say it to you often enough or ever even. It’s not a compliment, it’s a curtain that veils the real truth. You aren’t perfect for me. I’ll decorate our house and make it look like a magazine. Everything will look good on the outside. I’ll keep myself busy enough not to notice we’re both lonely. In the beginning, I’ll like it when you hold my hand because it’s familiar, and you’re always warmer than I am. I won’t hate making love to you.
In the middle of our relationship, I’ll withdraw into mourning the passion we didn’t lose because we never had it. I’ll war with myself telling me my desires were childish and my dreams were unrealistic. I might drink. I might overspend. I might put on weight. I might shrink into nothing. What I will do for sure is take my body and retreat somewhere that you no longer have access.
At the end of our relationship, I will blame you for not making me happy. I will resent everything you do to try to make me happy. If you leave me alone I’ll resent that too. I will tell you, you’re not good enough until you believe it. I will hate myself for what I’ve become, bone dry and bitter. I don’t know how long it will take to get to the end. Maybe it will be weeks. Maybe it will be years. Maybe we will get stuck there forever, but if we do, at least we won’t be alone and I’ll have plenty of shoes.
All this will happen because I didn’t have the courage to be alone, to wait for someone who could truly match me. I didn’t have the courage to let you go and find that person for whom you would have been totally perfect.
But it’s ok. I love you a little. So I’ll open my heart and give you everything for while until there’s nothing left.
More by: Lisa
Lisa is an LOA Relationship Coach. She helps clients leverage Law of Attraction to get the relationships they dream about and build the lives they want. Lisa is the author of the newly released hit book, Score Your Soulmate and How to Escape from Relationship Hell and The Passion Plan.
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