I think my husband has a porn addiction. He thinks I’m crazy.
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Q: I think my husband has a porn addiction. He thinks I’m crazy. I’m not anti-porn. I’m really not. I know people use porn for a variety of healthy reasons. However, my husband is starting to retreat into his office with his computer more and more and a lot of the time he’s honest about what’s happening there. I feel like he’s less and less interested in me.
He’s has a very high stress job. He says this is just a way he likes to relax. It’s starting to feel like he’s escaping more than relaxing. My question is, what’s normal? How do I know if this is a problem or if I’m blowing it out of proportion?
A: Hey there, have you tried telling youre husband that you’re feeling less desired? Being less interested in your partner is a bigger problem than being overly interested in porn – and I’d like you to consider what he could be escaping from. A very stressful job is one reason, other factors could be financial worry, health issues, or relational issues. Ask yourself what has changed in his life, and yours, since you two got together.
Any time spent doing one activity that diverts focus and time away from loved ones can be to the detriment of the relationships with those loved ones. Be it a video game addiction or porn watching. The fact that you’re feeling left in the dust is the problem, and when you talk to him about those feelings of your own inadequacy I’d like you to frame it around that, and not the porn itself. It’s great that he’s not lying about watching porn in the first place, but I understand why you might miss him. (Unless what he’s watching is leading to harmful behaviors, but that doesn’t sound like the case.)
The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists recently issued their statement on sex addiction – watching a lot of porn is not a mental disorder, AND the current education around sexuality isn’t adequate to help people begin to understand porn or sex in the first place. Many studies have found that shame around sexuality can lead to feelings of guilt around consumption, but if you’re just missing quality time with him, I would investigate what’s occuring in his emotional state that is motivating him to go into a room and close the door to be alone.
I suggest that you check out some ways to reignite your excitement and desire for each other, check out “Building Partner Intimacy” episode 11 on my podcast.
More by Elle:
Elle Stanger is a queer femme sex worker and parent. Listen to her award-nominated UnzippedPDX podcast on iTunes and find her at stripperwriter.com.
Elle is available for email coaching by appointment at ellestangerpdx@gmail.com.
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