The F*ckboy Filtration System – Patented and Tested Method for Weeding Out the Man-children
By: Aspen Jordan – Confluence Daily is your daily news source for women in the know.
Have you ever heard the saying: “Men are the gatekeepers of commitment”?
Whoever said that was dating the wrong men.
My friends and I spent our skinniest years desperately trying to wring loving commitment from the stiff, dry hearts of college-aged men. We would sit for hours decoding the runic mystery of text messages and offhand comments made around kegs. By senior year, nearly every Saturday morning conversation was some variation of:
“How do I get him to want to be my boyfriend without him knowing that I want him to want to be my boyfriend?”
“Let me text my brother, he’s good with this stuff.”
“Just make sure you don’t sleep with him all the way.”
“Can you sleep with someone part of the way?”
“Oh yeah, I slept with Josh like 60% of the way and it totally worked. He even took me to brunch at the dining hall in the morning.”
“Oh my GAWD you guys are totally getting married; you’re gonna have such cute babies!”
“I know, right?!?!” (<– They did not get married.)
We were seeking security with men who weren’t able to give it. That left us with no control of our own destinies, and a burning need to take matters back into our own hands. Ineffectual as they were, our confabulations were the only way to stay sane while we let men (boys? Man-boys?) dictate the terms of our romantic lives.
When I got a bit older, I tested and patented a new system I like to call Fuckboy FiltrationTM. It’s where you ask for what you want when you want it. For example: If I didn’t feel secure, I would let the person I was dating know, and tell him what I needed to feel better. If I wanted a relationship to move forward I would outline my expectations: where I wanted things to go, when I wanted that, and what would happen if those expectations weren’t met. I even sometimes went out of my way to be terrifying, like “Hello, hi, are we dating, is it serious, it puts the lotion on its skin.”
The result? Singlehood. Glorious, powerful, elective singlehood. Also, some (lots of) crying.
The men that were spooked by these conversations faded away. Almost every time I did this I was ghosted within a month. And…I loved it. Obviously, it was frustrating at times, but I knew that I was successfully filtering out people who didn’t want what I wanted, or who just didn’t want to be with me.
Then, on a foggy San Francisco morning, I met someone who had the right answer for every question. I asked if we were serious and he said “yes.” I asked if he saw us moving in together and he said “yes.” I asked if he believed, as I did, that moving in was a step towards marriage, and he said “yes.”
Two years later, I asked him if he was EVER GONNA FUCKING PROPOSE and he said: “Jesus, yes, chill out.”
Women are made to believe that male affection is so valuable that we should accept it in whatever form it comes. We ought to just be grateful that we have it at all because some poor women are all alone with their cats. But, like, fuck that, ya know? If you feel like you’re waiting for a man to commit to you, or that you have no power in your relationship, you’re with the wrong guy. Go find a partner who makes you feel 100% secure, who doesn’t retract into his shell when you ask him for what you need, and who will meet – NAY, EXCEED – your expectations because he loves you that much.
And if you feel uncomfortable having these kinds of conversations with a man you’re dating, that’s a really strong indicator that your relationship is not balanced. Tiptoeing is what we do around nervous horses and newborn babies. Not worthy partners.
So, go forth and find your equal. Horses and babies need not apply.
More by Aspen:
Aspen Jordan is a Seattle native living in New York by way of Buenos Aires, Chicago, London, and San Francisco. I’m passionate about mental health, self care, and social justice, and I’m currently working towards a career in wellness & love coaching.
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