My partner and I can talk about almost anything. We’ve always had good communication. However, after three years, I still find it very difficult to talk to him about sex.
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Specifically, I’m feeling like our sex life has gotten very predictable and I’m feeling less and less attracted to my partner the more predictable it is. I cannot figure out how to address this with him because I feel like he gets defensive.
Answer: My question: is it difficult for you to talk about it, or is it difficult for him to hear about it, or both? My therapist once told me, “You have to meet people where they are”, and if you or your S.O have a tough time feeling comfortable and calm enough to talk about your sexual needs, hints can go a long way.
People get into their sexual ruts due to the monotony of life, but before you start leaving erotica books with highlighted passages next to the toilet, are there other ways that you can non-verbally request some diversity? (Although that might work too)
One of my friends has been married for over ten years and his wife has a handy knack for emailing him a link to a porn clip she’s liked, with only a time-marker given for him to investigate her relevant interest. This is her way of showing him something she saw that sparked her interest, that she wants, but doesn’t know how to ask for.
Why don’t you initiate something differently? There is absolutely no reason why one partner has the responsibility of providing all of the creative content in the sexual relationship. Next time you’re touching each other, try something contrasting to the norm. Do you usually have sex in bed? Why don’t you ask him to get down on his knees next time he gets down on you? Why don’t you climb into the shower with him if you don’t usually? Try getting your hair wet for once. What about a gentle reach-around in the kitchen sometime? That can be a nice way of thanking them for making the coffee.
It is very common for adults to have a tough time asking for their desires, but it still troubles me if two people who have spent years of time together aren’t able to feel comfortable enough for one to say to another: “I’ve realized that I’m craving some spontaneity around our sex.”
People get defensive for many reasons: they feel personally attacked, or insecure or uncomfortable about the topic in question. If you are able to find an ethical and inclusive sex therapist, I recommend it. And if you get to the point where you’re feeling sexually or emotionally stunted in your relationship, it might be time to evolve this partnership into a platonic one.
Elle Stanger is a queer femme sex worker and parent. Listen to her award-nominated UnzippedPDX podcast on iTunes and find her at stripperwriter.com
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